From: Tom Hastings <email@example.com>
To: "Joshua Way" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2008
Subject: Re: AMC Theaters
I was sorry to read your email regarding your recent visit to the AMC Theater multiplex in West Nyack, NY. We manage our theaters according to very strict standards, so I can assure you that any issues you encountered were out of the ordinary. I would also add that you seem to harbor certain preexisting biases against our business and multiplex theaters in general.
The automatic ticket machines outside our theaters are there for the convenience of our patrons. They are not, as you suggest, "filth encrusted money vacuums." Likewise, the ticket takers positioned at the entrances are a team of highly motivated, personable young people. They are by no means "a coven of brain dead reprobates who speak in guttural tongues and offend the visual and olfactory senses in equal measure."
AMC Theaters offer an unprecedented variety of beverages and concessions to fit every taste. We do not "sell colorfully packaged wads of agricultural waste at prices that would bankrupt a Saudi Arabian Prince." I doubt your claim that the Raisinets you purchased were so old that they "represent a significant supplement to the existing fossil record."
Bathrooms at our theaters are cleaned at least once every hour, so it is unlikely that you discovered the "remains of Anastasia Nikolaevna Romanov" in your stall. The staff assigned to clean the bathroom facilities is the most rigorously trained, and I can assure you they are not "dangerous, anti-social loners who would have shot up the mall in a bloody rampage by now if they weren't too stupid to load a gun." That's a bit harsh.
Our theater seats have won industry awards for comfort and design, and we believe they give us a special edge in customer satisfaction. Strange then, your claim that our seat left your spine "twisted and broken like some H. R. Giger design." And whether or not the man sitting behind was kicking your seat throughout the film, I must reject your suggestion that we were "direct depositing thousand of dollars into his personal bank account" to egg him on in his efforts.
AMC projectionists (who, by the way, are not "mouth breathing garage apartment dwellers") are expertly trained professionals who operate their projectors at a standard level of brightness. They do not "project movies by the dim light of a discarded glow-in-the-dark sticker." I can assure you also that our projectionists are showing a precise and reasonable number of commercials before the feature. There is no evidence of any of our projectionists "performing psychological experiments on their captive audiences" by showing an "endless loop of commercials so shrill and insipid they would annoy the Japanese."
Of course I cannot speak to the quality of the films and coming attractions exhibited in our theaters, though I am confident stating that the "Mamma Mia" trailer you saw is not the "atrocity to end all atrocities" nor is it "born of some ancient black magic, nearly forgotten until exhumed by demons." Personally I think it looks cute.
And, again, while it is not my job to defend the motion pictures we exhibit, I feel you're being harsh when you say that Renee Zelwegger's face "obscures the silver screen like a rotting, bloated pumpkin" and that her "permanently puckered lips" resemble "the Devil's sphincter." I say she's lovely, and she seems like a nice lady.
Thank you for taking the time to write to us. For your trouble, find enclosed a free pass for two adults to our competitor, the Clearview Cinemas in New City.
AMC Theaters Customer Service